I’m going to be brutally honest here and let you all know that I’m in a bit of a funk. I think these periods in your life happen for a reason and eventually you come out of it a better person. Being 23 seems like life should be care free and easy going but from my perspective it only gets worse. Graduating from university was the best thing to happen to me last year, as I couldn’t wait to be out in the real world and not be in my university hating every second of it. I was lucky enough to get a job pretty much a month after I graduated and I thought that was life set (pretty much). Landing my dream job at 22, I was ecstatic.
I feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis, but at 23. It’s horrible to say, but I get jealous of my peers who have incredible jobs, buying their first houses and seem to be living the millennial dream. Social media doesn’t help and I know I am also one to be hypocritical. I choose what I want people to see - the travelling and constant eating out . Behind all of that is a pretty average girl who has lots of dreams but doesn’t know where to start. Who left her job because of crippling anxiety with nothing to go to. Trust me - it wasn’t like I didn’t try to get another job, I applied for over 200 in fact and bloody nothing came out of it. I don’t understand what more you need when you have a degree, experience and you’re a proper decent person. It was getting me down and to be honest, I think it still is. I never feel like I’m good enough so proving that I am, takes it’s toll. Being 23, I am stuck between wanting to be an adult, saving for a house etc and then blowing everything I have and living vivaciously. I'm sure I am not the only one feeling like this.
I hated speaking about my job. It made me feel sick and it took me a few months to get over it. I'm not sure a 9-5 job is what is right for me and although it was my first, it could well be my last. I figured out I wanted to work for myself, be my own boss. For the past few months I've been really trying to make blogging a full-time thing. Sure, it can takes years & years to make a salary out of it, but everyone has to start somewhere. My mom keeps telling me to give myself a break. I worked so incredibly hard for so much years, I need to cut some slack but again, when you feel like your destined for more, the pressure builds up inside and I just want to explode.
Proving your worth is always going to be hard, I just personally feel that I probably put a little too much pressure on myself. Sometimes that okay, it works in certain situations but I have got to realise that I am only human and it's just as alright to show people that you have flaws too. This past week i've been super stuck with trying to find something to write about because I want to keep my content interesting but going out all the time costs £££ and I started to think that if I didn't go to a fancy place or flying to another city, people might not want to read on. I'm trying to find a balance between staying relevant without losing who I am. Hence why you're reading a lot of jumbled thoughts.
I recently read a post from one of my favourite YouTuber’s Samantha Maria who discussed being relevant is irrelevant. I was praising her from the tops of my lungs, feeling like a proud mom or something as I have seen her grow her brand into a very successful one and I don’t care if she posted something shit (in her eyes) I would still admire her. I am torn though - she doesn’t need to be relevant anymore, she’s made her brand, she’s successful and her name is out there. Mine is not.
By no means am I perfect, I have a bump in my nose from breaking it, scars from multiple surgeries and I'm a lil chunky and all of these are my imperfections that I need to accept. Over the years I have learnt to embrace certain flaws of mine which I can now say I'm proud of, but I am still working on the others. One problem with working online, is that I constantly compare myself to others and it drives me crazy! I know I shouldn't but it's hard when you see perfect tanned bodies being sponsored by the big boy brands. It makes me question if I have to look a certain way to be successful, but at the end of the day it's who I am as a person that determines that future.
To end this post I thought would share some thoughts/things you may not know about me.
- I put on french jazz music when I cook because I imagine myself in a little Parisian apartment. It makes my heart feel warm.
- Golden hour is my favourite time of day.
- My bed is my sanctuary and I couldn't love it anymore.
- I have a deep longing to live in Japan, something just draws me there, maybe it is because I am completely obsessed with their culture & the film "My Neighbour Toroto" and Gudetama.
- Travelling makes me feel inspired and although I'm a homebody, I always have my passport on me just incase I fancy a trip somewhere.
- Every night I have really bad dreams. However I think this is where all my anger and sadness goes because I'm a pretty chill person in real life.
Apologies for this post - I think sometimes with all the stuff you see online nowadays it can be hard to see where you fit in in an oversaturated sphere. I think it's good to show a more personal side. So hi, this is me.